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Every persona unwillingly bestowed upon me is ludicrous: I’m not from the other side of the tracks; I’m from cookie-cutter, suburban New England (home of the Puritans) and I’m not cool, hip, indie or alternative.

My wardrobe consists of five faded band shirts I’ve worn since college and I spend my evenings drinking cheap lager while watching Netflix like the rest of the regular population.

“Well, when I’m 70 years old and (hopefully) married with grandkids, I won’t be trying to impress anyone anyway,” I respond. I doubt I would ever seek employment at a company that embraces such an antiquated definition of professionalism, but if I were presented with a fantastic career opportunity that prohibits tattoos, I would easily solve the predicament with long-sleeved shirts.

Other times, in their eyes, I’m the cool, hip, indie, alternative guy.

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No one cares about the facts, though, because the facts aren’t edgy or exciting.

As a result, during many of my ill-fated romantic endeavors, I’m forced to live a lie I never told as I play out a role I never sought to take on.

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